I don’t want you to think I’m a greedy materialistic person. In fact, for the past couple of years I have advocated against giving presents for Christmas. I thought we should shift gears and give experiences like trips or adventures or Reenact Your Favorite Eighties Movie Nights. The fact of the matter is I’m an independent woman of independent means so if I want something for myself, I usually get it for myself. Basically, if I want a monkey, I get a monkey. (My new favorite line that I stole from the newest reality show sensation “Sin City Rules”)But it’s Christmas time and my mother NEEDED a list, folks. So, I started thinking about what would make this season magical for me…you know like when I was kid. So…here’s my list –
A meal schedule. Remember in elementary school when you knew what you were going to eat for lunch every day because it was nicely printed out on a colorful calendar? How awesome was that? Someone already had it all figured out for you – chicken nuggets on Mondays, tacos on Tuesdays, square pizza on Wednesdays, and something Spork-able on Thursdays. Now, I’m getting better at the whole cooking thing and I don’t even mind going to the grocery store. It’s just the whole planning part. So, like just schedule all my meals for me. Except no tacos on Tuesdays. I always brown-bagged on Tuesdays.A hobo bag. With an actual hobo to tell me whether or not the hobo bag is authentic. How cool would that be to open up a hobo bag and have a little hobo pop out of it? It’s like a Jack-in-the-Box only it’s a Hobo-in-the-Hobo-Bag!
Perseverance. My mom says I don’t have any so I figure she can buy me some for Christmas. I try to develop it on my own but then I never follow through. Probably because napping is so much easier than persevering. So, Mom, stick some perseverance in a box and let me open that on Christmas morning. Unless, you know, I don’t get around to opening all of my presents. Wait, what happened to that Wonder File?Reset my iPod. My brother and I share iTunes – the legality of which I’m not entirely sure of but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I have about 500 songs on my iPod. 450 of them are Kenny Chesney songs. My brother hearts Kenny Chesney big time. So much so that he even has the Kenny Chesney Christmas album on his iTunes. Who even listens to Christmas albums anymore?! The last Christmas album I had was New Kids on the Block and it was one of those big black record things. Anyhoo, do you know what’s like to be getting my Top Gun (soundtrack) on and flying my Mighty Wings into the Danger Zone when all of a sudden Kenny’s begging the Boys of Fall for Another Beer in Mexico? It’s like – gimme a break!!! But ever since I added my iPod to my iPhone, iConfused. And so the Kenny torture continues. So, you know, resetting that would be awesome.
While we’re on the subject of music, would someone other than me please admit that that “Christmas Shoes” song is ridiculous. That would be a great gift. Look, I’m sorry – especially to my friends who admit to crying when this song comes on – but I just don’t buy this song at all. The kid doesn’t need Christmas shoes for his mom! It’s a SCAM! Daddy’s saying there’s not much time because the cops are on their way to catch the little grifter! Have I crossed over the line to full Grinch-hood? In my defense, I do mist up when I hear “Silent Night.”A hovercraft.
So, there it is – all I want for a magical Christmas.
That's not asking for too much is it?