My Christmas list was due to my mother by last Friday. I got it to her late so there’s a chance that
I’ll be getting stuff from the “As Seen on TV” section of the store kinda like
last year when Santa gave me a Wonder File that was supposed to organize my
life in wondrous and amazing ways.
Seriously, a file folder can do that!
And it probably would have, if I had ever opened the box. Who knows?
Maybe this year, I’ll end up with an Alluma Wallet or a Ped Egg!
I don’t want you to think I’m a greedy materialistic
person. In fact, for the past couple of
years I have advocated against giving presents for Christmas. I thought we should shift gears and give
experiences like trips or adventures or Reenact Your Favorite Eighties Movie
Nights. The fact of the matter is I’m an
independent woman of independent means so if I want something for myself, I
usually get it for myself. Basically, if
I want a monkey, I get a monkey. (My new
favorite line that I stole from the newest reality show sensation “Sin City
Rules”)
But it’s Christmas time and my mother NEEDED a list,
folks. So, I started thinking about what
would make this season magical for me…you know like when I was kid. So…here’s my list –
A meal schedule. Remember
in elementary school when you knew what you were going to eat for lunch every
day because it was nicely printed out on a colorful calendar? How awesome was that? Someone already had it all figured out for you
– chicken nuggets on Mondays, tacos on Tuesdays, square pizza on Wednesdays,
and something Spork-able on Thursdays.
Now, I’m getting better at the whole cooking thing and I don’t even mind
going to the grocery store. It’s just
the whole planning part. So, like just
schedule all my meals for me. Except no
tacos on Tuesdays. I always brown-bagged
on Tuesdays.
A hobo bag. With an
actual hobo to tell me whether or not the hobo bag is authentic. How cool would that be to open up a hobo bag
and have a little hobo pop out of it? It’s
like a Jack-in-the-Box only it’s a Hobo-in-the-Hobo-Bag!
Perseverance. My mom
says I don’t have any so I figure she can buy me some for Christmas. I try to develop it on my own but then I
never follow through. Probably because
napping is so much easier than persevering.
So, Mom, stick some perseverance in a box and let me open that on
Christmas morning. Unless, you know, I
don’t get around to opening all of my presents.
Wait, what happened to that Wonder File?
Reset my iPod. My
brother and I share iTunes – the legality of which I’m not entirely sure of but
that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I
have about 500 songs on my iPod. 450 of
them are Kenny Chesney songs. My brother
hearts Kenny Chesney big time. So much
so that he even has the Kenny Chesney Christmas album on his iTunes. Who even listens to Christmas albums
anymore?! The last Christmas album I had
was New Kids on the Block and it was one of those big black record things. Anyhoo, do you know what’s like to be getting
my Top Gun (soundtrack) on and flying my Mighty Wings into the Danger Zone when
all of a sudden Kenny’s begging the Boys of Fall for Another Beer in Mexico? It’s like – gimme a break!!! But ever since I added my iPod to my iPhone,
iConfused. And so the Kenny torture
continues. So, you know, resetting that
would be awesome.
While we’re on the subject of music, would someone other
than me please admit that that “Christmas Shoes” song is ridiculous. That would be a great gift. Look, I’m sorry – especially to my friends
who admit to crying when this song comes on – but I just don’t buy this song at
all. The kid doesn’t need Christmas
shoes for his mom! It’s a SCAM! Daddy’s saying there’s not much time because
the cops are on their way to catch the little grifter! Have I crossed over the line to full Grinch-hood? In my defense, I do mist up when I hear “Silent
Night.”
A hovercraft.
So, there it is – all I want for a magical Christmas.
That's not asking for too much is it?