I ate Oreos at 10:45, a late bedtime snack. Now, it’s a little after midnight and I can’t fall asleep.
I tossed and I turned and I kicked off my comforter and I flopped from my side to my stomach and back again and all the while I was thinking. Thinking about all the things that I’m able to push away during the day. Because when it’s light out, things don’t seem so….dark.
My thoughts are always darkest at night…well, if I’m awake late enough.
I thought I was doing so well – I was making peace with the way I "look". Yes, I look different but everyone’s different and that’s okay. But I told you once that I still thought about it every once in a while. More surgery. A cheekbone here, a cheekbone there. (Well, not just anywhere, of course; they should go where cheekbones generally go.)
There was a trigger, naturally. Because there always is when I start thinking like this. What was it? Okay, don’t laugh…but it was my race photograph (the official one they posted on the website for everyone to see, if you think I'm going to link to it, you're crazy!) I look quite horrible…as I’m sure the other 396 runners do. In addition to my dreadful running sprinting form, my face is all weirdly distorted – maybe it was from the sprinting, maybe it wasn’t.
So, there I was a lot after midnight, sitting in front of my mirror dissecting my face. Okay, really, my profile which I hate. And to the person whom I just told that I was fine with it…well, I guess I’m not as well-adjusted as I thought I was. I can wear a dress to work but putting my hair up in a clip is still a little too daring scary for me.
All these thoughts are racing through my head keeping me awake when I should really be asleep because I have to get up in a few hours.
Clearly, I still have a few issues to work through.
And clearly, I need to stop eating Oreos at 10:45 at night.
