I ate Oreos at 10:45, a late bedtime snack. Now, it’s a little after midnight and I can’t fall asleep.
I tossed and I turned and I kicked off my comforter and I flopped from my side to my stomach and back again and all the while I was thinking. Thinking about all the things that I’m able to push away during the day. Because when it’s light out, things don’t seem so….dark.
My thoughts are always darkest at night…well, if I’m awake late enough.
I thought I was doing so well – I was making peace with the way I "look". Yes, I look different but everyone’s different and that’s okay. But I told you once that I still thought about it every once in a while. More surgery. A cheekbone here, a cheekbone there. (Well, not just anywhere, of course; they should go where cheekbones generally go.)
There was a trigger, naturally. Because there always is when I start thinking like this. What was it? Okay, don’t laugh…but it was my race photograph (the official one they posted on the website for everyone to see, if you think I'm going to link to it, you're crazy!) I look quite horrible…as I’m sure the other 396 runners do. In addition to my dreadful running sprinting form, my face is all weirdly distorted – maybe it was from the sprinting, maybe it wasn’t.
So, there I was a lot after midnight, sitting in front of my mirror dissecting my face. Okay, really, my profile which I hate. And to the person whom I just told that I was fine with it…well, I guess I’m not as well-adjusted as I thought I was. I can wear a dress to work but putting my hair up in a clip is still a little too daring scary for me.
All these thoughts are racing through my head keeping me awake when I should really be asleep because I have to get up in a few hours.
Clearly, I still have a few issues to work through.
And clearly, I need to stop eating Oreos at 10:45 at night.
First-always accompany your Oreos (or other cookies of choice) with milk, especially at night. The proteins in milk help you to fall asleep and is recommended as a night time snack that won't keep you awake.
ReplyDeleteSecond--you are your toughest critic. I saw your post race pic. You looked like you just RAN A RACE!! The first thought through my mind was SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT!!!(BTW, Congratulations:)
Third-and I know "it's different" but WE ALL have these types of insecurities. I'm not saying this b/c I think it will just stop you from having these thoughts--it won't. But you are not alone and sometimes that makes all the difference.
For example, someone once told me I have a basketball nose. I've been dribbling with it all my life but I still especially hate my profile. Who wants a basketball hanging from their face??? I want lipo on my stomach and inner thighs. Should I color my hair b/c the gray is coming like green grass during a wet summer? And man, what can I do about my HUGE knuckles since I've cracked my fingers since I was 14 and now I can see that great-grandma was right--they REALLY DO GET BIGGER!!!
Even those who do get some sort of surgery are not satisfied. In their minds they can always look better. Our society suffers from the "Nothing's Ever Good Enough" syndrome (this is not an official medical term but my personal observation made by watching very educational shows such as Oprah, The Doctors, Dr. OZ and the such).
So, what to do? Appreciate what you do like about yourself b/c there is an abundance of things to like about Denise Henderson. And, if that isn't enough--do the comparisons--you certainly could be worse off, right?
It's normal to be down on yourself every-once-in-a-while, but don't get stuck there.
Oh, babe, we're all just works in progress. And sometimes those works deserve cookies.
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